On May 17, 1998 Yankee’s pitcher (big fat) David Wells threw a perfect game at Yankee Stadium against the Minnesota Twins.  In Well’s book, published in 2004, he claimed he was “half-drunk” on that day.  This leads to an interesting thought experiment: which feat is more impressive, throwing a perfect game while “half-drunk” or tossing a not so rare no-hitter while tripping on LSD?  For the purposes of this post, I’m just going to assume both stories are 100% accurate.  I’m making that assumption for two reasons.  First, becasue I really have no way of knowing if either story is true at all, but since both stories are coming from the players themselves, I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they are being honest.  Second, because if the stories aren’t true, I don’t have anything to write about.  So lets break it down.

Rarity/Impressiveness of Achievement

Big Fat David Wells (BFDW): In 134 years of recorded baseball history, there have only been 18 official perfect games (As a Pirates fan, I’m obliged to point out Harvey Haddix 12 perfect innings that don’t count as a perfect game).  According to Wikipedia, this means that a perfect game occurs about once every 11,000 contests, in short it’s pretty damn rare.  Then again, one only need look as far as Dewayne Wise’s 9th inning circus catch that saved Mark Buehrle’s perfect game last season to realize there’s a lot of luck involved in a feat this rare.

Trippin Doc Ellis (TDE): There have been almost 15 times as many No-no’s in baseball history as there have been perfect games, with an average of 2 no-hitters being tossed per season.  Still, its not exactly something that happens every day.  And you still need to rely on your defense to make a few plays behind you, even if they can make errors (let’s ignore the imperfect nature of the way errors are counted for now), in order for it to happen.  One could easily conclude that a perfect game involves the same amount of luck, it just requires better command of the strike-zone, and perhaps some free swinging hitters.

Advantage: BFDW.  Both feats are impressive, but if you do anything that happens only once every 7 years, that is hard to top in my book.

Performance Enhancement

TDE: Full disclosure, I’ve never done LSD, nor do I ever intend to do so, certainly not just so I can give this blog post more authenticity.  The key to pitching, or any athletic feat really, is coordination and muscle memory.  So the question that needs to be answered here is how does LSD affect your ability to successfully repeat a pitching motion.  Our answer is found here:

LSD…cause their effects by initially disrupting the interaction of nerve cells and the neurotransmitter serotonin. Distributed throughout the brain and spinal cord, the serotonin system is involved in the control of behavioral, perceptual, and regulatory systems, including mood, hunger, body temperature, sexual behavior, muscle control, and sensory perception.

So basically, it affect every major bodily system, including muscle control.  I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say this would make it pretty damn hard to pitch.

Ellis does note (he’s the one narrating the video embedded in the earlier linked RTJR post) that he also took “greenies”, a stimulant, which could have, in theory, helped to negate some of these affects.  Then again, he also says that the ball seemed small at some times and larger at others, so clearly he was pretty f’ed up.

BFDW: I may have never taken LSD, but I have been half-drunk.  Thanks to a few years at this fine institution of higher learning, I’ve also been full-drunk, kinda drunk, buzzed, blackout, sober, and of course, hung-over (don’t judge, you were in college once too).  I can personally vouch for the fact that athletics are very doable when you’ve had a few beers.  I’ve played softball, basketball, probably even a  few other sports I’m not thinking of right now after a few cold ones, and it is very much within the realm of possibilities.  Alcohol probably, OK certainly, wouldn’t make pitching any easier, but I don’t think it would make it appreciably harder either.

Advantage: TDE.  From the description above, trying to anything that doesn’t involve Cheeto’s and video games sounds downright impossible on LSD.  I can’t imagine trying to throw a baseball accurately (Ellis did walk 8), let alone toss a no-hitter.

Comedic Factor

There really isn’t anything to break down here.  BFDW isn’t really funny.  Ellis on the other hand, well did you watch the video.  Ellis’ voice, his way of speaking, his mannerisms, its all funny.  TDE takes this one hands down.

Verdict

By a score of 2-1, Doc Ellis is our winner.